Thankful

This is not going to be an atypical Thanksgiving post.  Don't be alarmed, and try to be open minded as you read this.

Every year we sit down and stuff ourselves full of the good stuff.  Turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing (my personal favorite), pumpkin pie, pecan pie, coconut cream pie... How much longer do I have till lunch? I'm making myself hungry.

We "count our blessings" in the manner that we have friends, family, good health, a job, a roof over our heads...etc., etc.

But what about the things we don't see as clearly?  I'm thankful this year is almost over.  If another stressful event happens to me in the next month, I won't be surprised.  It seems to be the theme of my year.  "Let's see how far he can be pushed."  

In February I posted this:  "In the past several weeks and months I have imagined God saying to satan 'Have you considered my servant Mike?' The same way He did with Job."
I still feel exactly that way.  Tested, sometimes passing, sometimes failing, but constantly tested.

So what am I thankful for this year?

The testing.

It's not easy, and it's not fun.  I have been pushed way out of my comfort zone in multiple situations.  But I've learned and am hopefully a better person because of it.

I'm thankful for the friend A last night who talked to me for an hour on the phone as he was driving, because friend B hurt me (and most likely B has no awareness of the hurt they caused).  But A just listened and offered his ear to listen and his heart to care.  It's not the first time this year A has done this and it most likely won't be the last.  He's a rock.

I'm thankful for friend C, who perhaps unaware, smiles at me with such a gentle way.  It just helps sometimes to know that friends don't have to say anything they just have to smile.

Often friend D just says "I'm sorry."  It's not because of anything they've done.  It's just an acknowledgment of the fact that somebody takes a bit of sympathy on me and appreciates the things I feel.

I feel emotions and connections on a much deeper level than average people.  It's why I love being around people and hate it all at the same time.  I can get so drained.

I've lost friends this year, I've become closer with others, reconnected with some, and found a couple of new ones.  One I constantly pray for reconciliation with, but may never get it.  That's in God's hands, not mine.  Humbling myself to accept His will and desire what He wants for me has always proved to be the most challenging thing I do.  My way would be so much different, but it wouldn't be better.

I found strength to be assertive in conflicts.  Previously I have felt like I allow people to walk on and manipulate me so they can be happy.  I can point to several separate instances this year where I refused to allow that to happen.  I'm thankful for that.  But none of that growth would have occurred without the testing.

Men and women I loved as my friends passed on to their great reward.  "We feebly struggle, they in glory shine."

I watch as others struggle with so much, some with nerves, some with loss, some with physical ailments yet they never seem to lose sight of hope.  I'm thankful God uses them as a plumb line for me.  A measuring device to say "they go through so much and yet are always available for you.  Are you there for them or too caught up in yourself?"

I have one who seems so sad and tired when I see them, another who is so far from the person I knew they seem so lost and frightened, and the one who is such a caretaker of those around them they have so little left for them self.  I call them "the hidden". They smile and act as if I can't see inside them.  And I'm thankful for them because they remind me it's ok to not always be ok.  They shouldn't have to hide, and I won't.  Not anymore.

Change is hard, it's unwelcome, and it's painful.  And somethings I want to go back more the way they were.  Other things need to stay the way they have been since changing, because the change was beneficial for all. They all cause growth.  

God still wakes me every morning, so I journey forward through the test.

May God bless you on your journey, and may you learn to be thankful in the valleys, climbing the mountains, and resting on the mountaintops.

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